…Advice I didn’t take

1. Dress to impress.  I know we’re all meant to take pride in our appearance or whatever, but I really have to go out of my way to care.  This is so much the case that I have employed a kind of uniform – think of me as a life-size, real-life cartoon character.  On the special episodes – the Christmas special, the Halloween extravaganza, the flashback-to-high-school montage – I will wear something different and, should it be called for, suitably glamorous.  Any other time, eat my shorts.

2. Never use your intelligence as a weapon.  I guess this was never a problem for the dispenser of this nugget – my high school counsellor (she told me this, I’ll add, when OTHER KIDS were picking on me - apparently that meant that I was the one with the problem).  From my perspective, as IF you wouldn’t use everything you have at your disposal when you’re being attacked.  I mean, would you say, “Don’t use your opposable thumbs to pick stuff up”?  Honestly.  If someone is a jerk to you, feel free to mess with them in ways they don’t understand.  Everyone loves to learn.

3. Always look on the bright side.  Bollocks, I say.  Sure, it can help to be optimistic, but it’s not good to look at shiny things for so long that they damage your retinas.  Because that will make you blind.  And when you’re blind, you won’t see it coming when people/situations/anvils are about to screw things up for you.