I’ve just started a course in script writing in which there’s the expectation that we already have a story idea.  Here’s what I wrote in class recently…

Character description

I don’t have even an idea, let alone a character.  I need a freaking idea.  All I hear is rushing wind between my ears.  And the aircon.  This is not good.  At the current rate, I’m heading for FAIL.  *sigh* I’m pretty sure I’m not cut out for this.

Fkety fkety fk.

ANIMATED BOX.  Empty.  Indeterminate age, but made of cardboard, so can’t be too old.  Like, not ancient.  It talks, but is apologetic for what it says.  Because it’s never had an original thought, that is.

SINGLE SHOE.  Homeless.  Not completely worn out, so not old or shabby enough to chuck away, yet not very useful for anyone with two feet.  Unless they like weird art.

Box meets shoe.  It’s a match made in size seven.

Oh ho ho.

Location

Vinnies in Paddington.  I walked past it the other day and it seems pretty big, so nobody would notice if a shoe and a box came to life there.  Unless the shoe was a Manolo Blahnik and a one-legged model walked in.  Hopped in.

Fk.

I’m writing away here like I have something to say.  This is hilarious and stupid.

Inciting incident

The box falls out of a bus.  Miraculously, nobody has stepped on it.  It’s outside the shop.  The shopkeep walks out and picks up the box, thinking it’d be useful.  It’s a nice enough box.

Meanwhile, the lone shoe gets tipped out of a plastic garbage bag, along with a whole bunch of other crap someone has brought in.  There’s an ’80s board game in there somewhere.  The pile of junk, waiting to be sorted, starts wobbling.  The shoe emerges.  It hops around the store.  It even weaves between people’s feet.  Nobody notices.

Meanwhile, the box has been left on the shelf (har de har har) and is kind of looking at people who walk past with objects in their hands.  It opens its lid like a mouth, hoping to swallow something substantial.  Nobody complies.  Someone with arm full of clothes knocks the box off the shelf.  It drops and rolls across the ground.

The box wants to feel full.  The shoe wants a home.  I want to puke.

Let the record reflect that I’ve corrected grammatical issues in this ‘manuscript’.

I’m writing this crap until I come up with a real idea.  Which better be mthrfking soon, or I’m writing a two-minute animation about inanimate objects finding love in a world devoid of a better idea.

And it’s this mindset that has deterred me from even writing in that most indulgent of media, my blog. *sigh*

…Ingredients for vicarious living

1. Keep your options open. If you decide something, that instantly means you have to do something.  And if you have to do something, you don’t get to be a spectator.  So ignore any twinges of inspiration, forget about having a timetable, and stay in those PJs.  Don’t let life get in the way of your doing nothing.

2. Unlimited supply. Line your every surface with stimuli – books, DVDs, music, games – so you don’t have to actually do anything in order to feel everything.  Any kind of adventure or fulfilment you could ever want is right at your fingertips.  Sure, your skin may go translucent from lack of natural light, and your torso may adopt a spherical shape, but those people in that frame/on that page/in that song are doing more than enough attractiveness for you.

3. Cloak of invisibility. If you’re too noticable in real life, you’ll be too busy being you and won’t have time to experience life through fictional characters.  But if you’re invisible – like a ninja or… someone who’s invisible – you’re free to live life to the emptiest.  Free as a dodo or a pterodactyl.

…By request*: Things that should be set on fire

1. MySpace. Crappy interface, crappy layout, crappy load-time, crappety crap crap.  It’s so laden with crap I don’t know how it ever took off.  Burn, muthaf*cka, burn.

2. Don’t Forget the Lyrics. Have I told you lately… how much I hate this show?  Let’s warm our hearths next winter by a bonfire of these tapes.

3. Sparkler powder. Er, don’t try this at home or whatever.  Still, I have fond memories of watching that magnesium glow.  Sure, it’s as bright as the sun and may send you blind watching it but, meh, it’s cool.  Whoosh!

*Remember, every 10th TTD will be by request!  Leave your request below…

…Christmas gift ideas for Santa’s “naughty” list*

1. Etch-a-Sketch. Don’t you love the spectacular images used to promote these things on TV, on the product box and in the manual?  Wow, it seems anyone can be an artist with Etch-a-Sketch – even me!  But no.  Instil a sense of failure in kids nice and early in life with a toy that seems fun and creative but is actually tedious and nigh on impossible.  And even if kids turn out to be Etch-a-Sketch savants, all it takes is for one nasty swipe to clear all the genius away.  Forget toy weapons and pooping-pig keyrings - this is surely the most malicious toy ever created.

2. Anything involving wool, thread, fabric, flowers or fragrance. A flower press?  Soap?  A weaving kit?  A crochet set?  In the right packaging, all of these things resemble decent presents for young’uns, but if you’re feeling less like Santa and more like Scrooge this festive season, you’ll know that none of these things equal fun.  They all equal work.  Mwah ha ha.

3. Chocolate gold coins. It’s widely acknowledged that chocolate gold coins feature The Shittest Chocolate In The World™.  Like their cousin, cheaparse Easter eggs – and unlike the near-unrelated entity, ACTUAL CHOCOLATE - chocolate gold coins do not melt in your mouth.  In fact, they do not melt AT ALL.  At most, they become malleable like plasticine.  Yet, they have the shiny appeal of things kids like.  The reality is, kids love chocolate gold coins.  I know I did.  And even I could tell they were made from The Shittest Chocolate In The World™.  So you can safely use these as stocking-stuffers for any monster brats you know, with the petty satisfaction that you’ve given them something sub-par.

*OR “Reasons to be nice”

…Stupid

1. Fun.

2. Show.

3. Government.