…Impressive* things to do on a first date**
1. Create the right mood. Go somewhere nice, sit down facing each other, take a deep breath, and ask questions. Lots of questions. Leave no stone unturned. People, places, things, past, future – get significant and shamelessly personal as early-on as possible. Ask about every disease they’ve had, every date they’ve had, everything they’ve ever eaten on a stick. Get them to outline their plans and goals, then follow up by asking for step-by-step schemas on how they’re going to achieve them. Even the classic, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” is fair game. Why? Because a job-interview vibe is romantic – duh! Oh, and forget about being light-hearted, amusing, and warm. Leave that to the interviewee. And when they try to ask you a question or two in return, stay tight-lipped and on-topic – the focus being their candidacy. Phoar, I need a cold shower just thinking about the saucy politics of it all…
2. Be prepared. It pays to plan every second of every minute spent with someone you’re even vaguely attracted to. Feelings and spontaneity will only put your true colours on display and leave chemistry to do its thing unhindered – and who would possibly want that? You’re much better off telling them to meet you at 1805 hours on the third panel of concrete to the left of the door of 827 Bland Street, and then ushering them from place to place without leaving them a single moment to decide if they’re enjoying themselves. Or breathe.
3. Getting to know you – really. Learning more about someone by talking to them is a bit cliched. So why not show your originality and sophistication through the subtle art of mime? When the time comes to order your lasagne, the restaurant staff are bound to look at you with both warmth and admiration, and not at all like you’re a mad wanker for whom fortune has smiled but this one time. There’s equal chance that they’ll look at your date like they’re the most pathetic person on earth to have, er, nodded yes to going out with you in the first place. And these are surely the promises of which dream-dates are made. *SIGH*
*Loosely***-defined
**Which may or may not have impressed me in real life
***Read: Incorrectly
