It was my fault.
I was at a bus stop and, in a haze of preoccupation, I dropped my phone on the bench as I got up to get on the bus.
Two stops away, I realised I had no phone with me.
I ran back, a good ten blocks across town, back to the stop. It was gone. I asked some people sitting there, “Have you seen a red phone?” And was met with a chorus of “Yes, someone just took it” in response.
I walked into a cafe chain at the bus stop and asked if anyone had handed in my phone. No dice. So I pounced on a pay phone and started calling my mobile. And calling. And calling…
I left one message asking if they could contact me to arrange returning the phone to its rightful owner. Then I called, and called, and called again. I left a second message, this time with an Oscar-worthy performance, attempting to elicit some sympathy: “A family member is in hospital and I… I just need to… sorry… I just need to know he’s okay…” Then I hung up, called them a very dirty word, and I rang another ten times. Then I gave up.
My mobile service carrier was my next stop, just across the road. They blocked everything sans incoming calls on my number. So I could keep harassing my phone’s captor.
No dice.
Other people tried to call me in the interim and, again, no answer.
Today, I activated a new SIM card with my number and put it in an old crappy phone, rendering my stolen phone useless without a new SIM of its own.
And that’s when I started to get weird calls. Of course, I didn’t know they were weird because I have very little contacts on this phone. So I phoned back missed call #1. Got some older guy named “Alan” whose “friend gave me this number because I wanted to see if you know me.”
Um, what? Wouldn’t you know if you knew me? Why do you need me to tell you if I know you? Have you had a recent accident which has lead to chronic memory loss and now you’re trying to piece your identity back together via random phone calls?
Yeah, that’s how my mind works.
Then I return missed call #2. I hear a near-grunt and then get hung up on. Then I receive this message from that very number:
Caller: Who dIs
And another message hot on its heels:
Caller: Dnt call
Me: I have no idea who you are but I have a missed call from your number. My phone got stolen so I don’t have any contacts. Must just be a mistake – K
Caller: Yeah I think It was my mate he saId he got a new number was ur phone a e-71 cause my mate got ur number and new phone
Me: Do you mean a Nokia e63?? Cos that’d probably be mine. Should not be able to use my number though.
Caller: That’s wat he was calling off
Me: Your mate has bought stolen property!
Caller: Maybe he stole it lol Idk he Isnt usIng It now
Me: Well, your mate should give it back.
Caller: To who
Me: To me – I have proof it’s mine. I can arrange a drop-off point so I don’t have to see who ‘found’ it – I don’t care. I need all my contacts back!
Caller: Talking to him now are you 100 per cent sure ur phone Is a e63
Me: Yes absolutely. Black Nokia e63. Was in a red skin when I last had it.
Caller: Well that’s the exact same one she had and same number jordan so It has been stolen jordan
Caller: Sorry that last bIt was for my mate
Caller: Do you know where u lost It do you have a car do u catch the traIn or bus and yeah I know now cause he has that phone and ur number I just wanna know where he got It from
Me: It was at the bus stop on Park St in the city outside Gloria Jeans. On the bus I realised I’d lost it so I got off and ran back to the bus stop. Asked people there about a red phone – they told me someone had just taken it. So I went to a pay phone and called it like 20 times! No answer.
Caller: Yeah Iv talked to hIm Is there any chance u know where [outer suburb of Sydney] is
Me: No sorry. Can it not just be dropped off in the city near where it was found?
Caller: We don’t live in the city u see my mates nan found It and she gave It to him and the second things were only teenagers were 14
Me: I see. Well, thank you for helping me out – you’re awesome! Turns out I have family who live near you so I might be able to arrange a drop-off point.
Caller: Yeah cool
Caller: Just letting you know It might not be as easy as I thought he has the grumps cause I told u or something but ill try work something out or he could just give It to the local police station and ur family can pick It up from there I think he Is abIt worried
Me: Yeah the police would be ideal, but I thought he might be a bit worried about going there. Was thinking maybe a cafe or post office or something – gonna ask my fam now and see where might work. Tell him I’m not mad and I don’t need to know anything about him – just want it back. Thank you so much!
Caller: Yeah all gud probs the police station but where ever ur family Is gud wIt that and yeah no probs
I gave them a drop-off point in their local area which will also be convenient for my family. It’s like a hostage negotiation, with this – as far as I can tell – superhero mystery caller kid playing intermediary.
Caller: He said his dad Is gonna drop It In
Me: Brilliant. Thank him and his dad for me in advance. And thank YOU for being so freaking excellent! I really appreciate your help.
Assuming all the relayed facts are true, my negotiator is a rock star. And then I get this one last message:
Caller: Yeah all good Im just waiting for hIm to reply and tell me when and when you get can u plz message me so I know he actually did It he said he Is going in the morning to take ur phone but yeah no probs
Yep. Total. Rock. Star.
