…New Year’s resolutions: Draft 1.3
1. Take resolutions seriously. If you’re going to resolve to do something, do it – don’t be a liar/slackarse.
2. Don’t take resolutions seriously. After all, why set out to be a disappointment?
3. Decide early and often whether to take the piss or be sincere so as not to confuse self and others. Yeah, that’s a good one.
…Why I may go back to uni
1. You live, you learn. It’s not just a catchy Alanis Morrisette refrain that’s less embarrassing than her misguided references to ‘irony’ and less yodelly than the things she thinks ‘you oughta know’. After years away from the ivory tower, I’ve realised that living isn’t enough for me. If I don’t go and learn something – preferably something with no real-world application – very soon, my brain is going to melt out my ears.
2. Student for life. I always had a sneaking suspicion I’d be one of those people who couldn’t stay away from studies for too long. Sure, I’ve studied acting and singing and yoga (sort of) and writing since my academic days, but these don’t add up to a classy bit of paper you can mount on your wall in manner of a doctor, lawyer, or wanker. I want validation, approval and assignments I can get distinctions in. Yeah, you heard me… What’s that, 3000 word essay? Can I defer?
3. Self-awareness. With my dress-sense, level of maturity, and deep attachment to my backpack, I already look like I never left. I may have been asked once or twice in recent years (or days) if I was a student. And, hell, we all know how fulfilling it is to meet the expectations of others at your own expense.
…Impressive* things to do on a first date**
1. Create the right mood. Go somewhere nice, sit down facing each other, take a deep breath, and ask questions. Lots of questions. Leave no stone unturned. People, places, things, past, future – get significant and shamelessly personal as early-on as possible. Ask about every disease they’ve had, every date they’ve had, everything they’ve ever eaten on a stick. Get them to outline their plans and goals, then follow up by asking for step-by-step schemas on how they’re going to achieve them. Even the classic, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” is fair game. Why? Because a job-interview vibe is romantic – duh! Oh, and forget about being light-hearted, amusing, and warm. Leave that to the interviewee. And when they try to ask you a question or two in return, stay tight-lipped and on-topic – the focus being their candidacy. Phoar, I need a cold shower just thinking about the saucy politics of it all…
2. Be prepared. It pays to plan every second of every minute spent with someone you’re even vaguely attracted to. Feelings and spontaneity will only put your true colours on display and leave chemistry to do its thing unhindered – and who would possibly want that? You’re much better off telling them to meet you at 1805 hours on the third panel of concrete to the left of the door of 827 Bland Street, and then ushering them from place to place without leaving them a single moment to decide if they’re enjoying themselves. Or breathe.
3. Getting to know you – really. Learning more about someone by talking to them is a bit cliched. So why not show your originality and sophistication through the subtle art of mime? When the time comes to order your lasagne, the restaurant staff are bound to look at you with both warmth and admiration, and not at all like you’re a mad wanker for whom fortune has smiled but this one time. There’s equal chance that they’ll look at your date like they’re the most pathetic person on earth to have, er, nodded yes to going out with you in the first place. And these are surely the promises of which dream-dates are made. *SIGH*
…By request*: Things that should be set on fire
1. MySpace. Crappy interface, crappy layout, crappy load-time, crappety crap crap. It’s so laden with crap I don’t know how it ever took off. Burn, muthaf*cka, burn.
2. Don’t Forget the Lyrics. Have I told you lately… how much I hate this show? Let’s warm our hearths next winter by a bonfire of these tapes.
3. Sparkler powder. Er, don’t try this at home or whatever. Still, I have fond memories of watching that magnesium glow. Sure, it’s as bright as the sun and may send you blind watching it but, meh, it’s cool. Whoosh!
…Ways to make ten-pin bowling fun (when you’re badly crap at it)
1. Get your mind into the gutter. Embrace your suckage at this game by playing with a large group of people who suck as badly – if not worse – at this game as you do. Make sure you high-ten each other EVERY SINGLE TIME you bowl, even – NAY, ESPECIALLY – if the pins remain pristinely untouched. Which they will, often. Because you suck.
2. Two-beer rule. I’m not normally an advocate for “drinking makes things better”, but in ye olde waxed lanes this adage definitely applies. Bowling, unless you’re genuinely good at it, blows – really hard. It’s precise and requires upper body strength and coordination. And you know what else does? Playing pool. And you know what rule applies to every pool game? Two beers. Same goes for bowling. Because, for the deeply unco, this stupid game is unbearable otherwise.
3. The Dude. Yes, making The Big Lebowski references will also make the game more fun. Channel John Turturro by faux-licking the ball and telling people in a raspy, lisping pseudo-latino accent, “Do not f*ck with the Jesus”. Go all John Goodman-like by donning some yellow aviators and pulling out your piece whenever someone is “OVER THE LINE” (which will be often – see clause 1). And if someone happens to do well, turn to one of your other friends and say, “12-year-olds*, man”.
