…Christmas gift ideas for Santa’s “naughty” list*

1. Etch-a-Sketch. Don’t you love the spectacular images used to promote these things on TV, on the product box and in the manual?  Wow, it seems anyone can be an artist with Etch-a-Sketch – even me!  But no.  Instil a sense of failure in kids nice and early in life with a toy that seems fun and creative but is actually tedious and nigh on impossible.  And even if kids turn out to be Etch-a-Sketch savants, all it takes is for one nasty swipe to clear all the genius away.  Forget toy weapons and pooping-pig keyrings - this is surely the most malicious toy ever created.

2. Anything involving wool, thread, fabric, flowers or fragrance. A flower press?  Soap?  A weaving kit?  A crochet set?  In the right packaging, all of these things resemble decent presents for young’uns, but if you’re feeling less like Santa and more like Scrooge this festive season, you’ll know that none of these things equal fun.  They all equal work.  Mwah ha ha.

3. Chocolate gold coins. It’s widely acknowledged that chocolate gold coins feature The Shittest Chocolate In The World™.  Like their cousin, cheaparse Easter eggs – and unlike the near-unrelated entity, ACTUAL CHOCOLATE - chocolate gold coins do not melt in your mouth.  In fact, they do not melt AT ALL.  At most, they become malleable like plasticine.  Yet, they have the shiny appeal of things kids like.  The reality is, kids love chocolate gold coins.  I know I did.  And even I could tell they were made from The Shittest Chocolate In The World™.  So you can safely use these as stocking-stuffers for any monster brats you know, with the petty satisfaction that you’ve given them something sub-par.

*OR “Reasons to be nice”