…Why I may go back to uni

1. You live, you learn. It’s not just a catchy Alanis Morrisette refrain that’s less embarrassing than her misguided references to ‘irony’ and less yodelly than the things she thinks ‘you oughta know’.  After years away from the ivory tower, I’ve realised that living isn’t enough for me.  If I don’t go and learn something – preferably something with no real-world application – very soon, my brain is going to melt out my ears.

2. Student for life. I always had a sneaking suspicion I’d be one of those people who couldn’t stay away from studies for too long.  Sure, I’ve studied acting and singing and yoga (sort of) and writing since my academic days, but these don’t add up to a classy bit of paper you can mount on your wall in manner of a doctor, lawyer, or wanker.  I want validation, approval and assignments I can get distinctions in.  Yeah, you heard me…  What’s that, 3000 word essay?  Can I defer?

3. Self-awareness. With my dress-sense, level of maturity, and deep attachment to my backpack, I already look like I never left.  I may have been asked once or twice in recent years (or days) if I was a student.  And, hell, we all know how fulfilling it is to meet the expectations of others at your own expense.

…Advice I didn’t take

1. Dress to impress.  I know we’re all meant to take pride in our appearance or whatever, but I really have to go out of my way to care.  This is so much the case that I have employed a kind of uniform – think of me as a life-size, real-life cartoon character.  On the special episodes – the Christmas special, the Halloween extravaganza, the flashback-to-high-school montage – I will wear something different and, should it be called for, suitably glamorous.  Any other time, eat my shorts.

2. Never use your intelligence as a weapon.  I guess this was never a problem for the dispenser of this nugget – my high school counsellor (she told me this, I’ll add, when OTHER KIDS were picking on me - apparently that meant that I was the one with the problem).  From my perspective, as IF you wouldn’t use everything you have at your disposal when you’re being attacked.  I mean, would you say, “Don’t use your opposable thumbs to pick stuff up”?  Honestly.  If someone is a jerk to you, feel free to mess with them in ways they don’t understand.  Everyone loves to learn.

3. Always look on the bright side.  Bollocks, I say.  Sure, it can help to be optimistic, but it’s not good to look at shiny things for so long that they damage your retinas.  Because that will make you blind.  And when you’re blind, you won’t see it coming when people/situations/anvils are about to screw things up for you.