…Jessica Watson

1. A traffic jam when you’re already late. 16-year-old Aussie Jessica Watson circumnavigated the globe, only to return yesterday to a pack of tired, time-filling journos whinging about the fact she was late. Weather conditions aside, did you see the traffic in that harbour? This is Sydney, people – even if you’ve sailed solo for seven months, chances are you still won’t be able to find a parking spot for love nor money.

2. Passport and boarding pass, please. After not seeing another human for more than half a year, I’m sure the first faces anyone would love to see would be Australian customs. You know, for all that foreign fruit you’ve brought back FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN. Were they expecting her to have a boat full of refugees? Vials of human growth hormone? Swine flu? They know she has to do a bunch of official business on the Opera House forecourt, right? Do they want her talking to Sandra Sully in a face mask? My guess is, it was Channel Seven’s attempt at grabbing a piece of the pie through a special episode of Border Security.

3. Meeting The Man. Among the throngs greeting Jessica after her extraordinary achievement were PM Kevin Rudd and NSW Premier Kristina Keneally. Would Jessica have known who Keneally is? Hasn’t NSW been through 17 premiers since she set sail? But our attention was first drawn to the Designated Lunatic, who handed her his hand-crafted mini replica of the Pink Lady. When interviewed in the media filler segments beforehand, the Designated Lunatic spoke of his vision for his replica’s completion, the perils of his quest, and his ultimate success after a lot of hard work. Because, after someone has just solo circumnavigated the globe, the intricate details of handicraft always sound really impressive and interesting – especially when you talk about painting a miniature hull as though you too have sailed around the world. But while you’d expect platitudes from the Designated Lunatic, they’re less forgiveable when uttered by the nation’s leader. Oh Ruddbot, you know you’re not Barack Obama, right? Who wrote your speech – Telstra? Not without your signature punctuational phrase, “You know something?” a la afternoon TV special. But the sticking point was the cringeworthy overuse of the word ‘hero’. It took the woman of the hour, Jessica Watson, to call the PM on his bullshit. She’s not a ‘hero’, she told us, she’s a girl who fulfilled a dream with hard work and belief and determination. And that’s something that any of us can do. Even when people tell us we can’t or shouldn’t. Regardless of age. Off a boat, on the fly, sleep deprived, overwhelmed, spun out, wobbly-legged, this teenager managed to say more in a few genuine, heart-felt lines than two politicians and their teams of advisors. If we weren’t impressed with Jessica Watson before, we certainly are now. In fact, I’d venture to say, she’s a hero. No, wait…

…Generation X

1. Undefined. To a value of X, Planet X, X number of things, the X factor - for a long time, possibly since the invention of mathematical expression, X has been the go-to letter for things undefined.  This week, an allegedly prominent demographist said Generation X is a valley of nothingness (wedged between the peaks of greedy Baby Boomers and self-absorbed Generation Y-ers).  In other news, ‘mono’ means one and ‘rail’ means rail.

2. What is X? As I was born in the Generation X-Y overlap, I feel qualified – read: postmodernly ironic enough - to define the indefinable.  Here are some things Generation X have endorsed over the years which I believe go towards defining them: mullet haircuts, giant shoulder-pads, the spiral wave perm, imposing synth soundtracks in action movies, slam dancing, slam dancing to imposing synth soundtracks from action movies, and Wham.  Their generation emerged during the tail-ends/aftershocks of the Vietnam War, the sexual revolution, the civil rights movement, and the invention of portable music and Pop Tarts, yet they made no contribution to any of these.  Until the naughties, Generation X brought the world nothing but Nutrasweet.  And they have the gall to whine about their Baby Boomer parents ruining the world’s peace/economy/environment and spending their inheritance!  Poor diddums!  Now they’re all grown up, they’ve invented a bunch of iCrap which they’ve marketed diabolically to Generation Y, while maintaining their signature jaw-dropping nerve to bitch and moan about said generation’s dependence on technology.  Pack.  Of.  Whingers.  Meanwhile, Generation Y, in case you were wondering, is a network of interconnected pipes or tubes which transfer data from one point to another.

3. Generation S. The Simpsons generation.  Arguably, it was a Generation X-er who first brought us this way of life but, you know, if The Simpsons has taught us anything it’s that you can spend 20 years making a grand, sweeping mockery of pretty much any group you want, for fun and profit.  Talkin’ ’bout my kinda generation!

…Bloody sticky situations

1. Bloody hell.  It was the dress rehearsal for an amateur theatre show of my favourite age-inappropriate role.  Mid-scene, I was bellowing at my stage husband, “Why don’t you love me?” and charged towards him.  I felt my bare foot slip.  The scene continued towards its tender ending, when I noticed my foot was sticking to the old, splintery floorboards on the stage.  At blackout, I went off stage and into the fluro-lit kitchen of the hall – drip, drip, drip went my blood onto the off-white lino.  I didn’t even feel pain until that moment.  Just stickiness.

2. ‘Reel Blood’.  I was playing a psycho in a short horror film.  I had to beat someone up.  The ‘blood’ we used was corn syrup-based.  Someone may have got it on the antiques in the old Victorian mansion we were filming in.  I’m just saying.

3. A thing about blood.  Be warned, some things stick and won’t leave – in this case, it’s the title song from Into the Woods.  Mthrfckr.

…Why I’m back

1. Guilt.  “So Daley, you haven’t updated your blog in a while.  No pressure or anything.  I only check it every day when I’m bored at work and every day I leave it feeling disappointed.  I thought we were friends…”

2. Olympic-level thumb-twiddling.  There’s nothing else to do right now.

3. I miss #yourface.  I’ve realised Twitter is my main reason for not blogging, even though blogging was my main reason for joining Twitter in the first place.  There’s an irony in there somewhere.  Anyway, Twitter forces me to condense my thoughts into 140 characters.  This is no mean feat for me, so when I accomplish it, I feel extremely satisified – as satisfied as I used to feel after a blog post.  But I realise that, while a writer can make a good 140 characters, a good 140 characters does not a writer make (oh, how very droll).

…The year 2010 for Scorpio

1. Mysterious-looking dude with mysterious-looking website must have cred: Big love, wacky work, facing fears.

2. Yes but no but yes but…: You may get the biggest break of your career or maybe nothing will change and you’ll be bored with the same conditions, people, and prospects.  You may find love, or maybe you’ll break up, or perhaps nothing at all will happen.  Finances could be good, but they could also be bad.

3. I wish I could write jokes like these: “…if you were not here, there would be no world.  Or there might be, but you wouldn’t know about it…”